the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
it was like eating out sand paper
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
