I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
