She said her name was "party"
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
