Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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