Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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