My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
