I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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