My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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