what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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