and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
