I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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