i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
dude i'm inner monologue high
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
