Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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