FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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