It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
