Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
