She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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