Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
