mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
