doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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