bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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