dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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