he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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