Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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