I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Randomize
