As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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