I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
