I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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