toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I just blew my weed a kiss
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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