hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
