I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
