okay pat passed out under dana's car
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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