I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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