I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
