I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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