i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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