and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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