can we get nightvision for the apartment?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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