My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
