I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
