I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Sober January is a disaster.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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