just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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