im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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