Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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