i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
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