He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
