Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
