sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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