i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
