just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
