I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
