I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
