Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
