remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
